Post by Phoenix Suns on Jun 24, 2017 22:15:52 GMT -6
1. Portland -- Lonzo Ball
Playmaking
Charlotte shattered Portland’s Humpty Dumpty, Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable ankles with a crossover so nasty, you’d think he came out of Juke University, before disappearing into the mist like Zed from League of Legends.
When the smokescreen cleared, Portland woke up naked with Lavar Ball smoking a cigarette by the window sill, with a satisfied grin on his face. As the Blazers waded through the scent of menthol and Vaseline, the bathroom mirror revealed his lower back featuring a BigBallerBrand tramp stamp.
I don’t know what else to say about this. Hornets played a months-long gambit that paid off on draft day, as he got into Blazer’s head like Leo in Inception, and somehow managed to make him think taking Ball over Fultz was his idea.
Charlotte “Littlefinger” Hornets was last seen reading Machiavelli’s The Prince while walking out of a police station answering to the name of Keyser Soze.
Lonzo Ball is the second best player in this draft, with superstar potential who elevates his teammates play, but his horrid shot form, inability to shoot going to one side, and failure to stay in front of defenders like Fox are all concerning.
Good in the high pick-and-roll, whereas Porty excels in the stop-drop-and-roll, as he tries to put out the fire that is his franchise.
Fultz was the better prospect, and this decision was completely baffling. Charlotte did to Portland what MJ did to Kwame Brown.
F
2. Charlotte (Markelle Fultz)
All-Around Offense
Like the guy who turned a paperclip into a house trading up over and over, Charlotty targeted L.A. and turned Randle, Mudiay and the #8 into John Wall, which he then immediately flipped to Toronto for the #2, before using his greatest asset – his intellect – to Jedi Mind Trick the Blazers into taking Lonzo Ball, essentially turning a Mudiay, Randle, and first into the #1 pick in a loaded draft.
Similar to the Emperor in Jade Empire, Charlotte showed great patience and willpower, and got the best player and consensus top pick in the draft.
Fultz, like Charlotte discussing his Emmanuel Mudiay pick, has trouble defending.
On the other end, however, Fultz can do it all. He can score in every conceivable way, and will be in a fantastic situation sharing the court with Simmons and Embiid, where he can also play off-ball. Playing off Ball also something Charlotte is clearly apt at.
This one act almost makes up for years of collecting more busts than the British Museum’s Greek Sculpture Gallery.
A+
3. Oklahoma City (De’Aaron Fox)
Speed
Charlotte oft wakes in the middle of the night in a cold sweat screaming “ELFRID PAYTON COMP, NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! NOT AGAIN!” so it’s little surprise Fox was not taken second.
We’ll update you throughout the draft on the only method of evaluation Hornets uses in looking at draft prospects – inaccurate Jalen Rose player comps.
Fox is a speedster who will apply pressure on both ends and is a great defender. Could have been the #1 pick if he could shoot.
Like a Thai Massage Parlour, developing a good stroke will determine his arc and whether or not he can finish.
I have concerns about whether he’s a good fit for OKC -- Fox has a personality and expresses his opinions using words.
There are questions about OKC’s decision to pass on Josh Jackson and take Fox one spot earlier than perhaps he should have – something that could haunt him down the road. Other things that could haunt him: The Ghost of Ryan Anderson, wandering aimlessly in Guru FA after Philly axed him via amnesty.
Spooky.
B
4. Chicago (Jayson Tatum)
Go-to Scoring
Jayson Tatum joins Chicago’s dumpster fire of a franchise, as the blue chip prospect pairs about as well with the likes of leading scorer Yogi Ferrell (18.8 FPPG) as a Pinot Noir does with a colonoscopy.
The Bulls are in the envious position of owning both Jaylen Brown and Jayson Tatum, two players on a stacked 1-Seed who both need the ball to succeed and develop. They’re also both streaky and inconsistent outsider shooters.
But don’t worry, I’m sure Buddy “Big like Klay, Shoots like Steph” Hield, a 23-year old rookie, will lead Chicago’s Big 3 era.
Thankfully Tatum has a good wingspan, which he’ll need to fly away from this franchise ASAP.
B-
5. Milwaukee (Josh Jackson)
Offensive Versatility
Josh Jackson fell, and the Bucks wisely scooped him up without a second thought. An athletic scorer who is a tremendous perimeter defender, Jackson, like Charlotte, goes both ways.
Speaking of Charlotte, the man who has owned every player in Orlando would compare Josh Jackson to Aaron Gordon. Except Charlotte didn’t pick him, so he won’t automatically bust.
Jackson is emotional, and dwells on the negative. No one tell him he’s joining Milwaukee’s dogshit franchise featuring Hassan Whiteside, twelve mediocre contracts, and the corpse of Taj Gibson.
On the upside, Josh Jackson has great body control, which will pair nicely with the Bucks’ Paul George, who lacks body control, as he seems to impregnate every stripper he comes across.
A
6. Toronto (Dennis Smith)
Hyper-Athletic Scorer
Like the Denver Nuggets joining a law firm full of high-fiving douchebags, Dennis Smith Jr. going to the Mavs was the perfect fit, and he should thrive in Rick Carlisle’s offense and the spacing their shooters provide.
Like me after eating Taco Bell, Smith is explosive, and will create space to drain 2s.
Toronto, of course, threw away their entire future in a spectacularly brazen attempt to win-now, sacrificing a potential core of Kristaps Porzingis, Markelle Fultz, Dennis Smith, Ntilikina/Mitchell/Markannen, and whatever DeRozan would get on the trade market, to assemble a team that won’t make the playoffs. Stunning.
Smith and Porzingis are hilariously mismatched in terms of age with their 27 and 28 year old counterparts in Kemba, Derozan, and Wall, while Norman Powell’s contract weighs them down like the floorboards in The Telltale Heart weighs down the narrator’s conscious.
As Tywin Lannister said, “Madness. Madness and stupidity.” On defense, similar to Joffrey, he dies on screen(s).
Like his owner, Smith is a sub-par decision maker, and forces shots early.
Bonus points for having short arms while playing for the Raptors.
F for trading out of Fultz, but for Dennis Smith, begrudgingly…
A
7. Portland (Zach Collins)
Two-Way Impact
Portland continued with their bold strategy of trading down in the draft, without actually trading down, just taking worse picks early.
The Blazers had to nail this draft given their franchise is bereft of high value assets beyond CJ McCollum, and with the #1 and #7 picks, they had an incredibly easy path to success: Take Fultz, then either DSJ, Monk, or Isaac. Instead, they took Ball one spot too early, and Collins three spots too early.
Maybe Porty just wanted Jabari Parker to be surrounded by busts so he didn’t feel isolated on a roster that only features sure-fire stars such as Kris Dunn, Dante Exum, and Dragan Bender.
But hey, at least Collins is a perfect fit alongside Nurkic on the TrailBlazers, as nothing is easier in the modern NBA than playing two 7-footers together.
Not to sound like a vegetarian in a KFC, but alarmingly high foul rate.
Portland confirmed this was not a homer pick, and they would have taken Collins at 7 regardless, which is like voluntarily admitting you fired the director of the FBI for investigating you on national television. We could be looking at the next iteration of the JailBlazers. After letting go of Winslow for pennies on the dollar, he should be charged with Obstruction of Justise.
C
8. San Antonio (Malik Monk)
Shooting
9. San Antonio (Jonathan Isaac)
Versatility
Spurs gambled that a player from the consensus Top 8 would fall to 9, and it did, nabbing two of the eight best prospects. Monk, like Popcorn McGuillicutty before him, is a microwave scorer with a rare combination of athleticism and shooting, with his only downside being that his girlfriend is a butterface.
Malik Monk, like the Nuggets’ Xbox Live username (“Call_of_Doody”), lacks a tight handle.
An apathetic off-ball defender, who suffers from ennui. An ideal player for OKC, who likely works as a French mime stuck in an invisible box and only communicates through hand gestures.
Jonathan Isaac is a tall, lanky, multi-positional 3-and-D athlete who moonlights as a Wacky Inflatable Tube Man at a car dealership on weekends.
Charlotte’s player comp for Isaac would be a longer Harrison Barnes, much in the way Madonna described Scottie Pippen as a longer Michael Jordan -- if you catch my drift.
Very strong picks considering being at the 8/9 position. Their draft grade could be much worse if Portland didn't bail them out taking Collins, but they did.
Like the emo goth kid at your high school, the Spurs are desperately searching for their own identity and attempting to make this team their own. Whether trading away proven, established veterans for unproven rookies will pay off remains to be seen. One thing we do know is that the Spurs are old, and the best way to take down their superteam is wait out his senility and hope he forgets his login password.
A
10. Los Angeles (Donovan Mitchell)
Huge Athleticism
The Lakers took a solid player in Mitchell, who is by far one of the best athletes in the draft.
He has elite defensive potential, while remaining a lob threat on the other end. Like George Costanza at a chip dip station, loves to repeatedly dunk.
Like his chaste owner, doesn’t have a favorite position.
And like the hermit at the top of the mountain who runs NYK, doesn’t handle contact well.
Should end up being a safe pick for the Lakers, and avoiding the potential pitfall (and upside) of Ntilikina, who has a higher upside but also a larger chance to bust.
Given their depleted pick pool and cap situation, the Lakers chances of a title defense seem slim. They’re about as likely to defend as Jahil Okafor.
B
11. Chicago (Frank Ntilikina)
Defense
Frank Ntilikina is the youngest player in the draft. Like Matthew McConaughey in Fast Times at Ridgemont High once said, “High Schoolers. I get older, they stay the same.”
Youth means more upside, and Ntilikina has plenty of it, despite being incredibly raw.
He’s an advanced defender with size and length, who, like the mob in front of Best Buy on Black Friday, fights over screens.
He lacks a quick first step, which is scary given how loaded the Point Guard position is in the NBA. The first step for Chicago is to stop making terrible picks, and that may not be possible given Ntilikina could be one of the biggest busts of the draft.
Somewhere in the distance, you can hear Charlotte running around yelling “BUST! BUST! BUST! BUST! BUST!” and “Dante Exum comp, get me outta here!”
Some say Hornets intentionally picks bad players because he’s an insomniac who can only fall asleep counting busts.
That said, a team like the Bulls needs franchise-altering players, and if Frank Ntilikina pays off, Chicago could instantly go from terrible to slightly less terrible.
B-
12. Los Angeles (Luke Kennard)
Shooting
LA’s maidenhood didn’t last long, after Minnesota trade raped him mid-draft, plundering the Laker’s unprotected 2021 1st and Mudiay for the #12 and Evan Turner.
This was an absolutely brutal deal, giving away a young player who could still potentially pan out, alongside a pick that could easily, easily fall into the lottery… to take Luke fucking Kennard.
Unbelievable.
Kennard’s BEST CASE SCENARIO is JJ Redick, a role player who averages 19 FPPG. That 2021 pick could be the next Karl-Anthony Towns.
Every draft preview says he has “off the charts intangibles”, which is code for white guy who hustles and shows up to practice early. Who gives a shit. He is a defensive sieve who won’t be able to stay on the floor. He has the lateral quickness of a Thwomp cinder-block in Mario.
Luke Kennard has extremely high basketball IQ, which he unfortunately cannot transfer to his owner.
D
13-16
Coming Soon...
Playmaking
Charlotte shattered Portland’s Humpty Dumpty, Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable ankles with a crossover so nasty, you’d think he came out of Juke University, before disappearing into the mist like Zed from League of Legends.
When the smokescreen cleared, Portland woke up naked with Lavar Ball smoking a cigarette by the window sill, with a satisfied grin on his face. As the Blazers waded through the scent of menthol and Vaseline, the bathroom mirror revealed his lower back featuring a BigBallerBrand tramp stamp.
I don’t know what else to say about this. Hornets played a months-long gambit that paid off on draft day, as he got into Blazer’s head like Leo in Inception, and somehow managed to make him think taking Ball over Fultz was his idea.
Charlotte “Littlefinger” Hornets was last seen reading Machiavelli’s The Prince while walking out of a police station answering to the name of Keyser Soze.
Lonzo Ball is the second best player in this draft, with superstar potential who elevates his teammates play, but his horrid shot form, inability to shoot going to one side, and failure to stay in front of defenders like Fox are all concerning.
Good in the high pick-and-roll, whereas Porty excels in the stop-drop-and-roll, as he tries to put out the fire that is his franchise.
Fultz was the better prospect, and this decision was completely baffling. Charlotte did to Portland what MJ did to Kwame Brown.
F
2. Charlotte (Markelle Fultz)
All-Around Offense
Like the guy who turned a paperclip into a house trading up over and over, Charlotty targeted L.A. and turned Randle, Mudiay and the #8 into John Wall, which he then immediately flipped to Toronto for the #2, before using his greatest asset – his intellect – to Jedi Mind Trick the Blazers into taking Lonzo Ball, essentially turning a Mudiay, Randle, and first into the #1 pick in a loaded draft.
Similar to the Emperor in Jade Empire, Charlotte showed great patience and willpower, and got the best player and consensus top pick in the draft.
Fultz, like Charlotte discussing his Emmanuel Mudiay pick, has trouble defending.
On the other end, however, Fultz can do it all. He can score in every conceivable way, and will be in a fantastic situation sharing the court with Simmons and Embiid, where he can also play off-ball. Playing off Ball also something Charlotte is clearly apt at.
This one act almost makes up for years of collecting more busts than the British Museum’s Greek Sculpture Gallery.
A+
3. Oklahoma City (De’Aaron Fox)
Speed
Charlotte oft wakes in the middle of the night in a cold sweat screaming “ELFRID PAYTON COMP, NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! NOT AGAIN!” so it’s little surprise Fox was not taken second.
We’ll update you throughout the draft on the only method of evaluation Hornets uses in looking at draft prospects – inaccurate Jalen Rose player comps.
Fox is a speedster who will apply pressure on both ends and is a great defender. Could have been the #1 pick if he could shoot.
Like a Thai Massage Parlour, developing a good stroke will determine his arc and whether or not he can finish.
I have concerns about whether he’s a good fit for OKC -- Fox has a personality and expresses his opinions using words.
There are questions about OKC’s decision to pass on Josh Jackson and take Fox one spot earlier than perhaps he should have – something that could haunt him down the road. Other things that could haunt him: The Ghost of Ryan Anderson, wandering aimlessly in Guru FA after Philly axed him via amnesty.
Spooky.
B
4. Chicago (Jayson Tatum)
Go-to Scoring
Jayson Tatum joins Chicago’s dumpster fire of a franchise, as the blue chip prospect pairs about as well with the likes of leading scorer Yogi Ferrell (18.8 FPPG) as a Pinot Noir does with a colonoscopy.
The Bulls are in the envious position of owning both Jaylen Brown and Jayson Tatum, two players on a stacked 1-Seed who both need the ball to succeed and develop. They’re also both streaky and inconsistent outsider shooters.
But don’t worry, I’m sure Buddy “Big like Klay, Shoots like Steph” Hield, a 23-year old rookie, will lead Chicago’s Big 3 era.
Thankfully Tatum has a good wingspan, which he’ll need to fly away from this franchise ASAP.
B-
5. Milwaukee (Josh Jackson)
Offensive Versatility
Josh Jackson fell, and the Bucks wisely scooped him up without a second thought. An athletic scorer who is a tremendous perimeter defender, Jackson, like Charlotte, goes both ways.
Speaking of Charlotte, the man who has owned every player in Orlando would compare Josh Jackson to Aaron Gordon. Except Charlotte didn’t pick him, so he won’t automatically bust.
Jackson is emotional, and dwells on the negative. No one tell him he’s joining Milwaukee’s dogshit franchise featuring Hassan Whiteside, twelve mediocre contracts, and the corpse of Taj Gibson.
On the upside, Josh Jackson has great body control, which will pair nicely with the Bucks’ Paul George, who lacks body control, as he seems to impregnate every stripper he comes across.
A
6. Toronto (Dennis Smith)
Hyper-Athletic Scorer
Like the Denver Nuggets joining a law firm full of high-fiving douchebags, Dennis Smith Jr. going to the Mavs was the perfect fit, and he should thrive in Rick Carlisle’s offense and the spacing their shooters provide.
Like me after eating Taco Bell, Smith is explosive, and will create space to drain 2s.
Toronto, of course, threw away their entire future in a spectacularly brazen attempt to win-now, sacrificing a potential core of Kristaps Porzingis, Markelle Fultz, Dennis Smith, Ntilikina/Mitchell/Markannen, and whatever DeRozan would get on the trade market, to assemble a team that won’t make the playoffs. Stunning.
Smith and Porzingis are hilariously mismatched in terms of age with their 27 and 28 year old counterparts in Kemba, Derozan, and Wall, while Norman Powell’s contract weighs them down like the floorboards in The Telltale Heart weighs down the narrator’s conscious.
As Tywin Lannister said, “Madness. Madness and stupidity.” On defense, similar to Joffrey, he dies on screen(s).
Like his owner, Smith is a sub-par decision maker, and forces shots early.
Bonus points for having short arms while playing for the Raptors.
F for trading out of Fultz, but for Dennis Smith, begrudgingly…
A
7. Portland (Zach Collins)
Two-Way Impact
Portland continued with their bold strategy of trading down in the draft, without actually trading down, just taking worse picks early.
The Blazers had to nail this draft given their franchise is bereft of high value assets beyond CJ McCollum, and with the #1 and #7 picks, they had an incredibly easy path to success: Take Fultz, then either DSJ, Monk, or Isaac. Instead, they took Ball one spot too early, and Collins three spots too early.
Maybe Porty just wanted Jabari Parker to be surrounded by busts so he didn’t feel isolated on a roster that only features sure-fire stars such as Kris Dunn, Dante Exum, and Dragan Bender.
But hey, at least Collins is a perfect fit alongside Nurkic on the TrailBlazers, as nothing is easier in the modern NBA than playing two 7-footers together.
Not to sound like a vegetarian in a KFC, but alarmingly high foul rate.
Portland confirmed this was not a homer pick, and they would have taken Collins at 7 regardless, which is like voluntarily admitting you fired the director of the FBI for investigating you on national television. We could be looking at the next iteration of the JailBlazers. After letting go of Winslow for pennies on the dollar, he should be charged with Obstruction of Justise.
C
8. San Antonio (Malik Monk)
Shooting
9. San Antonio (Jonathan Isaac)
Versatility
Spurs gambled that a player from the consensus Top 8 would fall to 9, and it did, nabbing two of the eight best prospects. Monk, like Popcorn McGuillicutty before him, is a microwave scorer with a rare combination of athleticism and shooting, with his only downside being that his girlfriend is a butterface.
Malik Monk, like the Nuggets’ Xbox Live username (“Call_of_Doody”), lacks a tight handle.
An apathetic off-ball defender, who suffers from ennui. An ideal player for OKC, who likely works as a French mime stuck in an invisible box and only communicates through hand gestures.
Jonathan Isaac is a tall, lanky, multi-positional 3-and-D athlete who moonlights as a Wacky Inflatable Tube Man at a car dealership on weekends.
Charlotte’s player comp for Isaac would be a longer Harrison Barnes, much in the way Madonna described Scottie Pippen as a longer Michael Jordan -- if you catch my drift.
Very strong picks considering being at the 8/9 position. Their draft grade could be much worse if Portland didn't bail them out taking Collins, but they did.
Like the emo goth kid at your high school, the Spurs are desperately searching for their own identity and attempting to make this team their own. Whether trading away proven, established veterans for unproven rookies will pay off remains to be seen. One thing we do know is that the Spurs are old, and the best way to take down their superteam is wait out his senility and hope he forgets his login password.
A
10. Los Angeles (Donovan Mitchell)
Huge Athleticism
The Lakers took a solid player in Mitchell, who is by far one of the best athletes in the draft.
He has elite defensive potential, while remaining a lob threat on the other end. Like George Costanza at a chip dip station, loves to repeatedly dunk.
Like his chaste owner, doesn’t have a favorite position.
And like the hermit at the top of the mountain who runs NYK, doesn’t handle contact well.
Should end up being a safe pick for the Lakers, and avoiding the potential pitfall (and upside) of Ntilikina, who has a higher upside but also a larger chance to bust.
Given their depleted pick pool and cap situation, the Lakers chances of a title defense seem slim. They’re about as likely to defend as Jahil Okafor.
B
11. Chicago (Frank Ntilikina)
Defense
Frank Ntilikina is the youngest player in the draft. Like Matthew McConaughey in Fast Times at Ridgemont High once said, “High Schoolers. I get older, they stay the same.”
Youth means more upside, and Ntilikina has plenty of it, despite being incredibly raw.
He’s an advanced defender with size and length, who, like the mob in front of Best Buy on Black Friday, fights over screens.
He lacks a quick first step, which is scary given how loaded the Point Guard position is in the NBA. The first step for Chicago is to stop making terrible picks, and that may not be possible given Ntilikina could be one of the biggest busts of the draft.
Somewhere in the distance, you can hear Charlotte running around yelling “BUST! BUST! BUST! BUST! BUST!” and “Dante Exum comp, get me outta here!”
Some say Hornets intentionally picks bad players because he’s an insomniac who can only fall asleep counting busts.
That said, a team like the Bulls needs franchise-altering players, and if Frank Ntilikina pays off, Chicago could instantly go from terrible to slightly less terrible.
B-
12. Los Angeles (Luke Kennard)
Shooting
LA’s maidenhood didn’t last long, after Minnesota trade raped him mid-draft, plundering the Laker’s unprotected 2021 1st and Mudiay for the #12 and Evan Turner.
This was an absolutely brutal deal, giving away a young player who could still potentially pan out, alongside a pick that could easily, easily fall into the lottery… to take Luke fucking Kennard.
Unbelievable.
Kennard’s BEST CASE SCENARIO is JJ Redick, a role player who averages 19 FPPG. That 2021 pick could be the next Karl-Anthony Towns.
Every draft preview says he has “off the charts intangibles”, which is code for white guy who hustles and shows up to practice early. Who gives a shit. He is a defensive sieve who won’t be able to stay on the floor. He has the lateral quickness of a Thwomp cinder-block in Mario.
Luke Kennard has extremely high basketball IQ, which he unfortunately cannot transfer to his owner.
D
13-16
Coming Soon...