Retired Guru Legends

[Phoenix Suns]

Today we look back at four retired Guru Legends who helped build the league.

These titans of fantasy all either won championships or reached the finals, and dominate our league history.

Let's take a look at each of them in detail.

Kings, The Crooked

Crooked Kings won the inaugural season of Guru, while running two teams at the same time in secret, 

before Detective Mavs found him out and expelled him from the league. Blazers, our resident Meme Lord, 

began referring to him as Crooked Kings, and the name stuck.

Pelicans, The Choker

Choking Pelicans finished #1 or #2 in Points and Seed for three consecutive seasons and reached the Semis 

or Finals four consecutive seasons. The two-time Executive of the Year and Trade Committee Member was 

upset in the Semis or Finals every playoffs, thus earning the monikor 'Choking Pelicans'. Nobody knows what

happened to the Pels, but one can only assume it involved a chicken bone and an esophagus.

Spurs, The Surgical

Spurs, a Texas doctor, was surgical both in the league and in real life, slicing up opponents in trades and

building a contender over the first two years of Guru, losing in his only finals appearance. Some say his

spectral vision still haunts the halls of Guru's discord, whispering:

"The orange serpent that did sting thy Spurs life, now wears the crown." 

A bunch of meaningless gobbledygook that nobody will ever decipher, and we should probably all just 

move on and not think too much about it.

Knicks, The Nearly-Perfect

Nearly-Undefeated Knicks was just that -- nearly undefeated, going 20-1 in the regular season then winning 

the Championship, completing the triple crown (#1 playoffs, #1 points, #1 seed), and finishing an incredible 23-1, 

falling only to the Choking Pelicans during the regular season. Like Nearly-Headless Nick, he was a ghost on 

Discord, but he scared the hell out of the league during his two years of contention with an elite, win-now roster.